Losing myself, and Being found

                I was released from the custody of the state at the age of 18. I hadn't wanted to be released, in fact I had signed up for 4 more years of the state controlling my life. At the time I was living at Brooklawn in Louisville, Ky. It was my prom night, and I had permission to stay out till a certain time but under no circumstances was I to remain out all night.

                Before I get into this story, let me say that I have never been the easiest person to get along with. I am quick to judge based on existing life experience, I am stubborn to a fault, and I am honestly very selfish. It is hard for me to see and understand others feelings. Needless to say, in this group home I was not a favorite. In fact, I would guess that there were more than a few staff that wanted me to leave just so their job would be easier. Honestly, I don't blame them. I was and still am a handful, and occasionally I am too much even for myself.

                I used to tell people, that it was an accident. That I hadn't meant to fall asleep at her house and stay out all night. The reality is that it was my fault. I had no family of my own, just people paid to care about me and it felt so good to be a part of her family life. Even though eventually we grew apart and our relationship ended at that particular time in my life it was the most love and acceptance I had ever known.

                I slept with Stacy that night, no I don't mean that biblically although considering we were teenagers in love, and it was prom night I know I can't really deny that either. I slept beside her, cuddled up and I felt safe and loved for the first time. This wasn't a second hand family adopting me, or a foster family paid to keep me around, or even my biological family who I have never really known. It was better. This was a person who said she was all mine. I didn't have to share her. I didn't have to earn her love, she just loved me and that was that.

                I returned to the group home early the next morning to find all my belongings already on the porch. My need to for affection, and acceptance had cost me my home with the residential facility. If Stacy's family hadn't taken me in, and given me a home I don't know what I would have done. I am a survivor, of that I am sure but I can't tell you that my story would have the ending that it does had they not been so kind to me.

                I was now completely on my own. A lifetime of being cared for, for whatever reason was over. I had never had to keep track of anything, never been responsible for anything. I was a helpless child in every sense of the word. I had my disability check, and the kindness of my girlfriends family to pull myself up with. More than a lot of people like me end up with, but a tough start.

                I had no special talents to speak of. I had no job skills. I had no idea how to survive as an adult. The system had created a person incapable of self care, as it continues to do to this day. I was completely helpless. No, I guess that isn't true. I have always been a gifted manipulator as I am a very verbal person. Talking my way into and out of just about anything was a game to me. That wasn't the point. I was unprepared to have to earn a living, and manage my own finances.

                In a moment of spite, that minimum wage staff member made a decision that would change my life forever, and possibly could have ended it. I know I deserved it, but I wish it had gone differently.

                It is now fourteen years later and I am just now starting to mature. I know I have a long way to go yet but at least I am wise enough now to see the gaps, and learn from what it took to fill them.

                The person I credit most with how far I have come is my wife Michelle. Without her, I may have survived but I never would have thrived as I have. I am not always fair to her. I still have that selfish streak, and impulse control issue. For her, I always feel guilty. I always want to make it up to her. Hurting her, is hurting me. I have never had that connection with another person in my life. That might seem odd to some of you reading this, but its the simple truth. I don't usually feel guilt, or remorse for my actions. Everything I have ever done has been calculated with my own survival and comfort in mind. If others happen to benefit than so much the better, but it was not the original intent.

                Our life together started with a selfish act on my part. I had recently broken up with or was broken up with a girl I had been dating for about a year. I was angry, and I was alone. I don't like being angry, and I cannot tell you how much I hate being alone.

                At the time I met her, I was an assistant manager at McDonalds. My crewperson for drive thru had called out sick so I was going to be working the window all night. In a moment of clarity I realized that I had the perfect opportunity to meet someone new. I didn't have to be alone! As a general rule of thumb, males are told "no" about 90% of the time when they ask a girl out. You have to be ok with rejection to really date I think. Knowing this, and knowing just how painful rejection is I had thought to myself "there must be a faster way, to get all the "no" out of the way at once". It hit me that working the drive through window could be my answer.

                Its speed dating. A girl comes through for her order and you get a chance to briefly chat while you help her. If there is a spark, awesome. If not, than you won't see her again most likely. The odd's of having to face someone who rejected you go down when you are one face in many in their day. They probably won't even remember telling you "no", or that you even asked! I had my solution so I put it into practice. I began asking every girl I was remotely interested in to go out on a date. Laugh if you feel the need, but I ended up with a few really fun dates with amazing girls AND a the American Dream as well.

                I remember my first impression of Michelle was that she was a school teacher. Thin wire glasses, hair up in a bun, and dressed professionally. She had the librarian or school teacher look down without even trying. I also remember the look of amused disbelief on her face when I asked her out in the window while she was trying to get her dinner. It is a look I have seen multiple times since.

                I hadn't expected her to say yes, or that she would want to do something that night. I was completely broke. I thought maybe we could still just hang out and have some fun talking so I kept our date. She ended up buying ME dinner and a movie, and we did do a lot of talking as well.

               

                What created our relationship was a shared pain. She had just lost her husband, and even though she didn't like him much by the time he died she was still used to having him around. What is that line again "I have grown accustomed to your face."? She ended up crying in my lap, on our first date. From the stress, from the relief that she wasn't alone, or because I had said something without thinking that started her off I can't remember.

                While it is true that I am a fairly heartless person when it comes to the feelings of others I had been trying to learn to act the part of what I considered a normal, caring man would be. What made him someone people wanted around. I couldn't feel for others like they seemed to be able to, but I could try to mimic and blend in. I once asked a priest if coming to church when you don't believe in god is wrong. His answer, fits well into my story. "Fake it, till you make it." is what he told me. I had made a decision a few years before that I would not be the person who hurt others intentionally. On accident, I still manage to do it quite often but never maliciously.

                It is actually a character that I started to play, with Joni McFarland. A different story, for another time but relevant so I thought I would mention it. I have been told many things in my life, but only a few have really stuck with me. One of the most important was something one of the group home staff told me. "Children who were abuse victims either grow up and hurt others, or they grow up and protect others even from themselves." I never wanted to hurt anyone, I didn't see the point. There was no value in hurting others, no direct benefit or gain for me and it just made life harder so I made a decision to be someone else.

                In my mind, at the time there were some things that were ok to do and others that would never be ok to do. My personal rules, that I alone gave to myself and that I alone choose to live by.

·         Never hit a girl, they get hurt enough

·         Never take advantage of people on purpose (happens enough on accident)

·         Never Lie (It's hard to keep straight, and everything comes out eventually)

·         Never hurt someone on purpose, unless in self defense

·         Always look after those you feel can't look out for themselves (there is no guarantee that anyone else will)

·         Always protect people when you can, You aren't like them and you never will be so why not help the ones that make the world better stay around so they can do so.

·         If you use someone, apologize as soon as you realize you did it and help them protect themselves from YOU.

·         Always use as many of the formal manners you can remember so that you are seen as polite and caring.

              

  Maybe my rules seem silly to you, my readers. For me, they were a mantra to staying safe and sane. They helped me feel safe in a world I couldn't control. The best I could do, was control myself.

               

                The reason this information was important was Michelle. She shared her story with me, in tears on my lap. A lot of it, I won't write because it is her story to share and not mine. She was hurt, many years by different people. She had self image issues as well. She was one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure of holding in my arms but she refused to see it. In tears she told me all of her hurt, it spilled out of her like a dam broke.

                Between innate sexual attraction, which is as my friend Lisa likes to say "a powerful motivator to get you involved", to her innocence , her pain and her need to be loved and protected I was honor bound to make her life better. I decided at that moment that maybe I couldn't be normal, but I could give her a normal life. I could make her happy. No one that gentle deserves the hurt she was in. Over the years I had decided that I wanted to be a protector, a guardian spirit for those who didn't have anyone else to look after them. I had found one person, that I could give everything for and to and that wouldn't chase me away when she was done with me.

                Was it love at first sight? No. It was lust at first sight, followed quickly by duty and commitment. There was also fear on my part. Fear of being alone, fear of just vanishing.  All  these things, I worked through in moments. One of the benefits of being an auttie. There aren't many, but the few that exist are really spectacular. The love did come, and even someone like me who had never known what it was, or that he could even really have it knew it.

                Love, real romantic love isn't at Hallmark stores. It isn't in things. It's a feeling of safety, of belonging. Its knowing that someone would put everything on the line for you without thinking twice for themselves. Love, is believing they won't leave you and vanish while you sleep. I didn't love her at first. I was constantly scared each day I watched her drive off to work and I stay at her home that she would change her mind by the time she got home and would realize she was so much better than I was.

                Its funny, my wife taught me how to make love and that is the story I share most often because it's a funny story, but also because it is a safe one. I am terrified as I write this that she will hate me for saying I didn't love her at first, that I didn't even know I could feel love but I am writing this anyway because I believe that I can trust her not to judge, but to accept me. Do I love her now? With all my heart, and all my mind. Do I still do thoughtless and selfish things? Yes. Do I believe I am worthy of her? Not on your life. I am working on it however.

                I can't tell you the moment I fell in love with my wife. When acting the part became living it. When what had always been a show for me, suddenly stopped being make believe and a heart I didn't even believe I had started to feel, truly feel for another person. Maybe I still don't have a heart, maybe she just lets me borrow hers. That actually made me smile, the thought that our love, our family is built around her strong heart that beats for both of us and helps mine learn the rhythm so it can beat in time.

                Whatever the case, I know that for her I can genuinely feel. It isn't an act, it isn't guess work. I am not constantly asking myself if I am doing this or that correctly, or am I showing the proper response because I don't have to. She knows me, and I know her. I know that any response I give her with my feelings for her behind it will always be enough even if I don't show it in ways others will understand.

                I thought that I was saving her. I thought that by devoting myself to her that I was finally going to matter to someone, and make their life better. I thought so many things. The reality is that she saved me. She gave me a life I still don't believe I deserve.  She gave me unconditional love, and has never tried to walk away even when things got bad. Over the years our roles have reversed.  She isn't the girl, crying in my lap before our date anymore with me offering strength.

                She is the strong one now, who guides me and shows me the right way to live and love every single day. Do I make mistakes, form attachments that I shouldn't, and generally end up in mischief more often than not? Yes. I probably always will. I know that she is the only woman, the only person for me though and that without her my life would be the sad shell it was to start with before she entered it. I let her have all my insecurities, my weakness, my mistakes, and my guilt. I give her everything I would normally hide because I trust her with everything. She is my protector, and guardian as I try to be for everyone else.

                Michelle taught me how to live. Second Life gave me a place to practice the skills I learned from her, but she was my teacher. She still is, as well as my lover, my friend and my wife. The reason I came to Second Life, was Michelle. I thought I had lost her and I was completely torn. I was trying to fill the emotional hole that her pulling away from me had left. I dated, I loved, and I played my games in that world because it felt safe to do so. What I learned was that there was no better match for me than my wife. No single person, could fill the space in my life left by missing her heart beating with mine, or her hand on mine.

                She said to me once, that watching women fall in love with me in Second Life helped her fall back in love with me in real life. That she fell in love with who I was in that virtual world. My limitations vanish there. I am confident, proud, and I have a charisma that I did not have in person in that world. I got angry at my avatar when she told me that. I hated him. I hated the person I was there, for stealing my own wife. How is that for an odd moment. I decided that I needed to be that man in the real world for her. That I could learn to be him, here in person. She deserved so much better than me, or at least the old version of me that I had to try.

                I am much more Asper now, than I was a year ago. I am much more Ayzriel now than I was a few months ago. I have taken what I learned about myself, and what makes me someone that feels worthy of her love and brought it into the real world.

                The next Marcus, may not have a Michelle. He or she may not have that special person who transforms their disability into a real life. In fact, I am the exception and not the rule. I keep getting myself into trouble, because I try to give to other women, what she gave to me. It doesn't work that way. You can't give someone your life as if it were a downloadable file. The thing that gave me the strength and confidence to change, grow and become who I am today was unconditional love and a willingness to stay in my life even when it was hard to do so.

                 What changed my life, was finding what made me normal.. and having her show me what made me exceptional. We can't give unconditional love as a company, but we can give our friendship and belief in our clients ability to achieve the same type of growth as I have with her.

My Equal, A poem for my wife Michelle

The most ironic match

hard where I am soft, so gentle where my rough edges rub other raw

my lighter reflection,  a polar opposite in every way

except for the ones that matter most

My equal, my inferior and in so many ways superior

You are the benchmark, the line by which all others are measured

You complete the shattered parts of me, recreating a whole that never existed

Before you molded me, into the man you took the time to see

A half life is all that I had, and I was content before I met you

You showed me, just how much I was blind to

Without every trying to, you forged me from the dross

My one true Guardian, the protector of me who always protects the rest

You hold tight, and guard my heart even when I try to give it away

You refuse to let me go, to let me hurt, to let me fall

You hold me up, when so many would surrender

The one person in all the world who is my shield, my rock

You give me the strength to be the man I am, the man you made

As I struggle to master the fate of the man you created from the child I was

I submit willingly to you my lover, my wife and my best friend

You see through my flaws, to the core of me

Your gentle hand, in velvet glove but with a steel to you

You are my equal, my love for all time

My wife, I am yours and lucky to be so

Maybe someday, the man I was and the man I am becoming will be the man I truly believe you deserve

Guardian Spirit Bulletin

                I am a 32 year old, autistic man. I am high functioning, so at first you might not even notice. I have seen a lot of abuse, and hurt during my life. It has both been done to me, and to those around me who are like me in their own way. I have been a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse although thankfully I can only remember shattered parts of my past. I would like to think it is a well honed survival instinct and not a byproduct of the abuse.

                Yes, I had a rough childhood. I survived it however, and came through it as the same gentle and loving person I am today. That is in large part to all the extra help, therapy, and assistance I received as a ward of the state. Without that little extra life experience my story would have a very different ending than it does.

                At 32, I am happily married. I have two beautiful son's that I love very much. I have my own home, my own car, and most importantly I have a future. The same can't be said for a lot of those coming up behind me. I listen to their stories and I see mine reflected back at me. I am able to empathize with their pain because it was my pain as well. They didn't learn the same lessons I did at the hands of the staff in multiple facilities across Kentucky. They were sheltered by over protective parents who can never imagine them being full adults. They were ignored by uncaring parents who saw defect and wrote them off. They did not have the chance that I did. They haven't gotten to see the world as I have yet.

                I started my nonprofit as a way to help those who are different like I am to learn job skills, gain confidence, and to hopefully take control of their own life. The deeper into what needs to be addressed I go, the more there is left for me to do. Right now, my program is being designed as a virtual solution to emotional, social and vocational skills training. My board, has me working on a life skills module as well. Just basic everyday care for yourself so that you don't put those around you off.

                I am beginning to see that this is not going to be enough. I can train, educate, and inform all I like but the reality is that once training ends and real life begins than my people are left with the same deficits as they had before, with only the added ability to be successful in the work place. I will be taking sheltered people and throwing them to the wolves in my attempt to help them. This cannot stand.

                I have two brief stories, outside of my own that I wish to share.

1) An amazing 29 year old high functioning autistic, living in a small town and still living in her parents' house is being paired up with her stepfather's best friend's  son. She isn't against the idea, even though she really hasn't had the chance to meet anyone else. In her mind, it's a good way to help her parents feel secure that she will be taken care of when they are gone. She claims to love the guy, but in reality with no exposure to the outside world than anything new would be seen as special. She isn't truly being given a choice. At least she wasn't until I invited her to Billings to be a part of our program.

2) A new acquaintance, this next woman is in a bit more of a precarious situation. She is both autistic, non verbal, and has turner's syndrome. Basically she is an adult trapped in a 12 year old child's body with all the innocence of an autistic. The court awarded her guardianship to her boyfriend, a much older man who she only calls by his nickname. He is intimate with her, and while that might be acceptable as her guardian it is a conflict of interest. What makes this worse is that they share their living space with up to three other people with different disabilities and that sex is seen as acceptable and interchangeable with all parties in the home. As her guardian, and her boyfriend this man should be helping to guide her, demonstrating his love for her by showing her the right way to handle those feelings and those social issues, instead he takes advantage of not only her, but the others living under his roof.

                The argument could be made that since all of them are disabled than at least they are all equal in making an adult decision. My argument to you would be, at what point did someone teach them the rules of what is proper behavior and at what point did we as a community stop caring enough to follow up.

                I am proposing that we as a community pull together to create a first of its kind independent living community. I would like to see a community developed where people with disabilities are given the option to live in a normal house alongside others who understand their special needs and don't mind going above and beyond to look out for their best interests. If it takes a village to raise a child, than it takes an entire community to raise an autistic.

                I was luckier than most. I am extremely verbal. Eloquent. You understand me, when I feel it is important that you do so. I can't be quiet about something that I personally feel is so devastating to the future of people who could easily be what I ended up as. Lost, confused, naive, and hurt by those they trust to take care of them.

                I will be approaching local contractors and real estate developers to help me design and plan a location for this community but I am asking each and every person who reads this article and is interested in helping me to make a difference to send me your ideas, questions and concerns. I want your feedback, your time and yes your money would be nice as well.

                I am Marcus Shane Morris. I am the founder of Guardian Spirit, a pending 501c3 Non Profit here in Billings, Mt. and I am asking you to stand by me and help me truly defend those who need it as I help them learn to stand on their own two feet and take charge of their lives. We can't wait for someone else to do what we know is the morally right thing to do. It is our charge and our duty to care for each other, that is what it means to be human.

                You can reach me at the following:

www.guardianspirit.info

I am happy to supply our information as a company to anyone who requests it, and in some cases even if you don't

Idle Rogues: Guerilla Burlesque

   Burlesque, it isn't a strip tease. It's not exotic dance. It's an expression of strength, passion and humor set to music and done in an entertaining fashion. It's not about baring it all, it's about the illusion that you gave everything away while never truly giving up a thing. Sleight of hand, a little smoke.. and let your imagination do the rest. That is life at the Guerilla Burlesque.

   I spend a great deal of time in my travels being stunned by just how creative people can be in this virtual world we call home. Sometimes, alright let's be honest a lot of the time that isn't a good thing. So much energy and creativity used for deviancy and vice you wonder if there is anything else to this world.

   At those moments... those rare moments a light can part the gathering clouds of despair and show you a beauty that you had no idea existed in any world the real.. or otherwise.

   That is where I found myself this evening. On the verge of despair, the dark of the world we share overshadowing the joy and beauty I search for so ardently.

   I stumble into a place, I had been but once before. That time, a complete accident as well. A beautiful girl, in a 30's theme hostess outfit... a brilliant red smiles at me, welcoming me into her world with an offer of a smoke and a coquettish wink. What a welcome, I think to myself. So much personality in just the hostess alone, I can barely contain myself as I let my eyes roam the room waiting for the minutes to pass and the show to begin.

   In typical fashion for me, I start chatting with each person. Chewie who as far as I can tell is nowhere near being a wookie (gratuitous Star Wars reference)... unless they are suddenly among the most gorgeous creatures in existence, is a fledgling clothing designer. We chat a bit about her outfit, tweaking and playing with it. The simple and innocent joy she takes in her creations make me smile. It seems that art for these ladies does not begin and end on the stage.

   I start casually talking to the guests who along with myself are waiting in rapt anticipation for the show that will open their eyes to a world they had previously not considered.. a glimpse into the imagination of some of the most brilliant artists that I have personally had the chance to write about.

    A young couple just out for a fun night, a man in a suit that gives one the impression that he is completely in control and perfectly comfortable in his masculinity to wear lace frills, and a Lady lounging peacefully with an entrancing ensemble that I have to take a closer look at. Of course being who I am.. I may be able to look and not touch, but look and not talk? Never!

   I start a conversation with this interesting woman, wanting to know more about her outfit and as that conversation goes on I find I am talking to the owner of the club. Color me a vibrant shade of red, what an embarrassing moment. You would think a veteran writer might take notice of who happens to own the club he is in, but I was just so lost in the ambiance.. in the sheer pleasure of being in this place that so wonderfully suspends disbelief that I lost myself for a time.

   I have spent over a week getting to know the ladies and gentleman of the Idle Rogue family and I can say with sincerity that I have never felt more welcome anywhere in Second Life. They are a family in the truest sense of the word, sharing everything together... even their tip jar!

   Each of the performers has an amazing and diverse background that I hope to showcase at a future date, and that I think is what makes each of them so amazing at their craft. To invest the amount of hours each and every day to put on one show a week is almost beyond belief. They show a dedication to what they love, and to their audience that I believe is second to none in Second Life.

   If you want to have an amazing evening of fun and entertainment on any given Friday night, 12am SLT than the place you want to be, is Idle Rogues: Guerilla Burlesque. I guarantee you won't leave disappointed.

Rimrock Auto Group, My adventures in purchasing a car!

A few years ago, I was finally reapproved for my disability claim. While I am not a huge fan of being on disability that does not mean I am too proud to take a hand up when it is offered and needed. Due to the fact my claim took so long to complete, I was awarded back pay. For those of you who might not know what that is, it’s when the government decides they owe you money because you were disabled the whole time they processed you. It couldn’t have been better timing for me, as my car had just died!

That may seem like a good and bad situation. Good that I was able to fix the problem, but maybe you would consider the need to go car shopping a bad thing. I guess in some cases you might be right! Alright, so in a lot of cases you would be right. You can’t argue with established history, at least not very well. I started my search with a local used car store, just to see what was available and in my price range. I hesitate to name the business because I don’t like to do negative reviews, however well deserved.

 I remember saying that I was there to browse and probably wouldn’t be making a purchase. The salesperson offered to take me inside and do a check on my credit so they would be able to match me up with a car I could afford. At this point, and as I think back I don’t think I ever did... I didn’t tell them I was paying cash up front in full.  They took one look at my score, sniffed in semi disgust and gestured for me to follow. Once we were back outside on the lot I was taken to a very beat up compact. I have nothing against compact cars even if I am a bit on the heavy side and I do have a sense of humor so I let him show me the car.     

The paint was peeling. That should have been a warning, and a gauge for just where I fit on their ideal customer meter. We opened the door, and the smell of "cat" hit me in the face making my eyes water. Still trying to be polite, even though at this point I was not the least bit interested I looked around the interior. The roof paneling was almost gone, and it had no shifter just a hole in the floor panel where one should have gone. This car was an automatic, and I am not quite sure how I was expected to drive off the lot. I suppose I was meant to find a screwdriver or perhaps stick my finger into the hole and pray I have the leverage to shift gears.

It was about that moment that I remembered my friend Steve owned a dealership or two. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me sooner except that when it comes to friends I tend to focus more on their personality and their free time rather than bothering them at work. I called Steve up and he told me to come out and take a look at his lot. He didn’t mind helping me, even though he knew I wasn’t exactly going to be the wealthiest guy on his lot.

I went out to the Subaru store and found a salesman. Sadly, at this point, I don’t remember his name. I do however remember his friendly, welcoming attitude as well as his bright smile. My salesman was a kid in every sense of the word. He was a young guy just starting his life and career. Fresh out of training, I did my best to put him at ease so that he could help me more effectively. My credit score was not improving just because I crossed town to Steve’s lot. I was still not going to be able to get credit for much.

That fact didn’t faze my young salesman in the least. He actually wanted to help me find something for my kids to ride safely in. He looked a bit sheepish telling me that we might have to look at the used cars because of my score and I let him know that was just fine with me.

It was night and day between the two car lots that I had experienced. The first (NOT Rimrock!) dealership had been about making money. Fast and dirty, get the customers in and out seemed to be their mantra. While Rimrock wants to make money too as any business should they also have a policy of not selling anything they wouldn’t want to be seen in. Quality not quantity, banking on the repeat business of happy customers. This is a long haul company, not a short game like many of the other used car retailers.

After a lot of browsing, I settled on the vehicle voted ugliest car in America. Not because it was the only one I could afford, but because it suited my personality. We had found a car that matched my needs, my personality and my budget. I love my Pontiac Aztec. It may look odd on the outside, but inside is a comforting heart of gold. I have no idea who that sounds like, do you? I have that my Aztec, problem free for a few years now. The salesman made the difference by going above and beyond not just for his commission but for the happiness of his customer.

At one point, I would have told you that you can’t be a good person and a good businessman at the same time. I would have been wrong.

Let’s fast forward a few years, shall we? I am now sitting in Steve’s new Mercedes dealership. No, my writing is not good enough yet to be able to afford one of these beautiful machines. I did however learn from my purchasing experience that Steve and his company were the type of people that I would want to do business with. When I started my nonprofit company, I asked Steve to act as president. I know that he will watch the bottom line, but also watch for the best interests of the people he is there to serve.

I had been waiting to start our board meeting and I took a minute to write up just why you should bring your business to Rimrock Auto. It begins and ends with respect for their customer. Even if you are just a potential customer you matter to them.

The showroom is built around helping to put customers at ease. A large TV, in the comfortably furnished waiting area is just steps away from a coffee bar that could easily be imagined as having a barista staffed full time. The large windows give you a sense that this company has nothing to hide and wants to welcome you to look as much as you like. The care and attention to detail, and to the needs of their customers is nothing short of amazing in a world that has gone towards a do it quick mentality and a self serve staffing style.

If you are looking for a new or used car to purchase, and want to be treated like a worthwhile human being no matter your social standing or credit score, than I highly recommend Rimrock Auto. 

  Buying a car should be a good experience, not a headache and I think Rimrock Auto has found the Aspirin to take the headache out of the car buying experience before it even starts.    

  :Marcus Morris

Gwen Verino, A review in A minor

                Out on another of my walkabouts, trying to find something to spark my interest and help the ink flow from my pen I stumbled across Gwen and her husband to be in real life Ze Verino. A hopeless romantic is what I will always be, so with this article I am going to embrace that.

                Looking through the daily event's I saw a posting for a live act. I tend to try and catch those when I can, and even though I hadn't heard of the artist before I decided to pop in. As I slowly rezzed I was able to see Palazzo Celesiale slowly coalesce around me. As the world sharpened into view, I was immediately intrigued by the stone work textures used. A roman feel, with touches of color to accent the warmth of the stone.

                I hadn't heard anything yet, the sound was having issues in the zone so I satisfied myself by looking around. A crackle... and then a laugh breaks the silence. Our artist has finally found her voice and what a lovely one it is. "I am so sorry everyone, technical issues *nervous laughter*" Gwen says.

                Technical issues happen to the best of us, as I tell her. Being a stage performer as well I can respect the grace with which she handles the problem. Entertaining her guests as she diligently works to correct the issue. Never a drop in her conversation, or humor as she struggles to repair her show, to save her voice in order to share it with all of us.

                I am drawn to performers who truly love their craft. It's not just a living, its a need... a drive that you can't walk away from. You can tell from how they handle their show, how they control their stage just how much they really want to be there. This young lady, had caught my attention in a big way. Finally, something to write about.

                I read through her profile, and the first thing to jump out at me is she is partnered. I chuckle, more than a bit jaded about Second Life romance and I keep reading. I see that they are a real couple, able to hold each other in the real world. Able to truly share their lives. A love they found, in this world. Now more intrigued then ever, I begin to wonder if I have found a couple able to help me, save others.

                Here for a show, but what I find is a shining example of just what Second Life is capable of creating. Sure there is a lot of heartache here. There is a lot of pain to be had, a lot of users and perverts around every corner but that isn't the end of our world. It is only a footnote.

                This is the true story of Second Life. It is love, finding your passion in whatever form it takes and if you are very lucky, finding someone to share it with.

May my words touch your heart, and your day be a beautiful one.

Artis

Redgrave's David - A review

                One of the truly great things about Second Life is that you have the chance to remake yourself as often as you like. If you don't like your chin, or you feel a little chunky it's a simple fix. In fact to coin a phrase "There's a shape for that".

                I have been many things in my SL lifetime's. A man, A woman, A furry, even at one point a rock for a week due to a bet with my wife. There is this search for all of us to find that one AV that speaks to us.

                In this review, I am going to tell you about the David. The fact that it is named after a famous work of art seems ironic since this av is a work of art in its own right.

                A trim, tall athletic form is the best way to describe this AV. I was told that this av is based on David Beckham but as I am not huge on sports I would be hard pressed to verify that. If you were to ask me if the av captured the spirit of a gladiator, an athlete I would give you a resounding yes.

                Between my Vista Animations Urban Male AO, and the frame of this male model I exude a sense of control, of being a protector. A comforting, sure presence that is sure to entice and put at ease at the same time at least in my opinion.

                The skin set that comes with this AV is amazing in its detail. Tiny crow's feet at the eyes, my afternoon shadow beard and even the shoulder blades are all well defined. In a virtual world full of body builders it feels good to just look healthy and natural. This form is as close to real as I want to get. It's me in my prime 10-15 years ago. It is like taking a step back in time and giving me one more way to show people who I really am.

                As a rule, being a male in Second Life has major drawbacks in the shopping department. We aren't the target market and we realize it. With this AV, and her many others Emilia Redgrave has proven that designers in SL do have a place in their heart for we poor men who want to glow at least half as brightly as our female counterparts. With a large amount of pride I wear this shape and skin knowing that I have found a work of art in the David that suits who I see myself as.

                You would be doing yourself a disservice if you did not take a look around Redgrave and see if one of her many other amazing AV doesn't call out to you. Her attention to aesthetic and detail are second to none. For now I leave you with this parting thought, If you can be anyone you wish... why not choose to be you at your very best not just in form but in spirit.

Artis

Second Life, The Seedier Side ... but not what you think.

                On my first day as a psychology major, I remember the professor walking up to his podium, bracing his hands and raising his voice as he said "All right class, We are going to be talking about SEX!" The excitement of the males and the audible groans of the females continued for a minute before he raised a hand for silence and continued "... and the emotional ramifications of it", at which point the boys suddenly lost interest and the girls perked up.

                I think this illustrates perfectly my interest in writing this particular review. Many who only have a passing familiarity with Second Life may only know of the seedier side. Glass genitals, cyber sex, web cam video with a girl you couldn't hope to actually capture the attention of all vying for the attention of patrons with money to spend.

                In the rush to settle more primal urges I am fairly sure that many don't even think twice about what might have brought the companions whose time you are purchasing to the place that you found them. In Second Life, it is a choice not a demand. The companions, escorts and dancers are choosing to do what they are doing to satisfy a need of their own.

                I can't speak to every single person's motivation, I can however let you in on a few secrets.

                The first, is the power and confidence that you can gain being in control of the sexual situation. If your life feels out of control, taking control of a patron, taking control of the room through sheer personality can be the ego boost you need to face the next day. The patron might think they are in control but this is the cyber verse and the power button is only a few inches away. They control the encounter, they control your arousal and they decide when they are done with you.

                The second, is a feeling of belonging. There is a sense of family, of unity when you bare all with your sisters (or brothers) in arms. You see every part of each other, a complete openness that most people will never understand. There is something to be said for that deep bond with your fellows that makes you feel safe, loved and accepted.

                The third and final point at least for this review would be that it is a chance for the companions to explore a side of themselves that they do not feel safe exploring  in the real world. Maybe their personality is such in person that they could never state the needs they seek to meet in this virtual setting. Knowing yourself is a powerful thing on its own. Knowing what makes you happy, sad, hurts, and heals can make your real life that much more special because you know what you need to do, or not do to achieve your own personal best outcomes.

                In the case of this article, I wandered into Jinxies while looking for a club or two to DJ at occasionally. I started to wander off but one of the dancers was nice to me, in a conversational way so I stayed a bit longer. What really caught my attention however was the momma bear guarding the girls. The owner of the club, Dee Kass, was impressive.

                She would tell you that writers annoy the hell out of her. From what I was told, many men try to come under the guise of writing about the club to get a little free attention. That isn't good business, and it isn't polite.

                The sheer aggressiveness when I told her I was a writer was intriguing. It felt like it was more than money to her. I did not feel like she was being a bear to protect her bottom line, so much as she was looking out for her girls. That is something that I as a guardian can completely understand and applaud.

                I didn't even bother trying to refute her or argue. The fact that I was innocent of her charges was moot. She had a job to do, protect the best interest of her employee's and her business. I would say the women who choose to work with her, are in good hands no pun intended.

                Its seems that in both real life, and second life this business breeds that strong protective instinct which I am personally thrilled about.

                I suppose for a review of a club you want to hear how sexy the girls are, how the decor pulls together, and maybe even "hey man, how much for a lap dance" If you want to know that type of thing, than by all means come visit them. If you were always curious as to the type of person that works in these places, I hope I enlightened you. If you are a girl considering work as an exotic dancer, I would recommend Jinxies. There is a sense of camaraderie here that is palpable.

This has been an Artis moment, bringing just a touch of emotion to the rock and roll of Second Life.

((Out of respect for the venue, I will not be posting pictures. If you want to take a look around, I will be posting the slurl http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Jinxies/74/150/23))